Dear Doctor.

Dear Doctor.

Before you judge me, I'd like you to imagine the view from my windows.

I'd like you to look at my tired face and realize that I couldn't sleep last night because in spite of the fact that I was exhausted, I laid there worried that my child was going to die one day and I'd look back and wish I had done something differently. CP may not kill children, but dehydration, aspiration, and seizures all can.

I'd like you to notice the sweat marks on my shirt and realize that while you have been very busy attending to other patients in this huge medical center, I've been sitting in the exam room walking, bouncing, singing, playing peek-a-boo, turning the tv and lights on and off... all while answering text messages from worried family members. For seven hours.

I'd like you to notice that while I haven't had time to eat in over 12 hours because I've been so busy with my child who doesn't feel well, I am a little overweight. Mostly because what gets me through the frequent hospital visits and the nights where I monitor breathing rates and measure urine output... is curling up on the couch with a bowl of ice cream and a favorite TV show.

I know that it looks like I'm having a terrible hair day, and thats because I have hives on my scalp from being so frustrated that my baby needs something... and I can't give it to her. That actually might be the most maddening feeling I have ever encountered... the helplessness.

Please understand that my heart is constantly divided... because one baby needs me a lot... and my older baby does too. One has physical needs.... and the other will probably have emotional needs from living through her sister's physical needs.

Dear doctor... please don't judge me if I seem overly emotional, dramatic, worried, or tense. Or if you think there are far sicker children than mine. That is probably definitely true, and I don't discount that for a moment. But this is my baby... and you have absolutely no idea the paralyzing fear that comes knowing that something is desperately wrong... and I have no power to fix it.