It All Depends On Who You Ask.

Sometimes I think I've lost it. And I'm pretty sure most doctors would agree.

And the sad part is that I'm not even sure I care anymore. Does that just confirm that I've really lost it?

Brookie started out with a bad day yesterday. She woke up and had two seizures before 9:30am. I called the doctor and gave her a head's up, but we already had a weight check scheduled for noon that day, so we planned on seeing her then. In the meantime, I called her neurologist in Cincinnati to bring her up to speed and find out what the plan would be.

I get a little panicky when we are in this situation.

I can see Brooklyn headed down a slippery slope into seizure-ville, but she isn't technically there yet so I can't really convince any doctors to do anything about it, but I know she is going that direction. Because she has classic signs every time... she gets a glazed-over look in her eyes, she is unsteady on her feet, her eyes look weak and tired, and she is agitated over everything. And then she starts with the seizures and it all goes downhill from there. And then I kick myself for not doing anything when I knew it was headed that direction.

This time I decided I wasn't going to kick myself.

After she had the first seizure, I sent the pediatrician an email. After the second one, I called her and Cincinnati. Then we went to the doctor's office, where they increased her seizure drug and also added Ativan to keep her from going into "status" (one seizure after another where they don't stop... which is what put us in the ambulance in September).

I expressed a few doubts about the Ativan because Brooklyn has had a weird reaction to Klonipin in the past and they are in the same drug family, but Ativan is supposed to be short-acting and doesn't cause weird reactions.

I don't know why that statement didn't set off my warning bells.

Ativan doesn't sit well with my 21-month-old. 16 hours of sleep, followed by inability to walk, and extreme clingy-ness... I called the doctors office. Our doctor was out, so I spoke with the nurse practitioner that told me that Ativan can make kids sleepy, but try to hang in there.

I can deal with sleepy. But the crawling on the floor and screaming bloody murder until she puked? I cannot handle that.

So I loaded her in the car and drove to the pediatrician's office. Surely if they could see her, they would DO something about it.

Brooklyn screamed the whole way to the doctor, and the whole time in the waiting room, and while waiting on the nurse practitioner. She screamed through the first half of the nurse practitioner being in the room, and then calmed when they brought her a popsicle. I guess I should've thought of that...after the 87 things I'd already tried.

The NP went out in the hall to call our pediatrician, and I heard her say... "No... not inconsolable... I mean she is definitely cranky... but I got her to smile."

I couldn't help but be slightly irritated. The kid had broken blood vessels in her face from crying so hard. But maybe thats okay if she can smile? Sigh.

In the end, they switched the Ativan to Valium, and she seems to be better, but we'll see how it goes tomorrow.

Am I crazy? Do I expect too much of physicians when I want them to listen to me about my child? I think they think I am certifiably insane. And that used to make me really upset... but lately I don't even think I care. Seriously, are my expectations too high?

I went through CVS to pick up Brooklyn's prescriptions and they told me the cost. I was surprised, because usually her Medicaid waiver covers all of her prescriptions. I asked about it, and they said because she had Ativan the day before, it wouldn't pay for both...and the office was closed that they should call to dispute it. No big deal, I said, and forked over the cost. The pharmicist smiled and said, "You know what? You're a good mom." Puzzled, I kind of laughed. "You'd be surprised," he said, "how many people won't pay for the prescription if there is a debate with the insurance. They just let the kids be sick. You're a good mom to pay for it anyway even though the insurance should."

At least I got one good vote today. Just don't poll Carilion.