Happy New Year

Every New Year, it is a good idea to sit back, preferably with coffee, and reflect. And not make New Years Resolutions, because... lets face it... nobody keeps those anyway.


Its nice to sit back and survey the past year and regard both the good and the bad... and sometimes even the ugly.


And I think its nice to savor certain favorite moments, and to choose to let other not-so-bright-and-shiny moments be forgotten.


As I sat down this year with my coffee (some people prefer other drinks on the New Year, but let me tell ya people, coffee brings much more clarity) and surveyed the past year, I felt overwhelmed.


I like to think that I'm not normally particularly emotional, but 2011 brought a flood of emotions.


My baby turned one year old. She had over a thousand seizures. We had 5 hospitalizations. I learned how to check urine concentration, get a prescription compounded, monitor heart rates, and use a feeding tube pump. I now own an IV pole and a stethoscope, and my toddler has a closet full of medical supplies that get delivered monthly. If you scroll through my cell phone address book, you'll see about as many doctors, pharmacies, therapists, and home health nurses as you do friends.


My big girl turned four, and will be starting Kindergarten in the fall. She's learned to deal with life changes and unexpected challenges. She's dealt with separation anxiety. My heart realized how much she's been through the other day when we drove past the hospital and she said, "Remember that time you and Brookie were there forever? Well, more than once." 2011 does feel like more than a forever at times.


How does a mother's heart handle all of this? I wish I knew the answer. In the past year, I've cried (in public, with strangers even!), screamed, yelled, slept, lost sleep, ate a lot (not recommended), engaged in retail therapy (also not recommended), talked, and prayed. I feel like I've aged 10 years in the past year.


I also feel like I've been entrusted with an incredible blessing (two of them!). Having a special needs child has transformed my life. In some ways, it has been painful. I think anytime your heart loves, it is filled with hope. And when those hopes aren't realized fully, there are hurts. My heart hurts for a little girl who has endured so much and has such a long way to go. But in other ways, she has saved me.


Having Brooklyn has taught me that every small moment should be cherished. When you have an accomplishment, celebrate it. She's taught me that with hard work, expectations can be exceeded. She's also shown me that even the smartest people in the world can be totally wrong, and you should never let them make you feel inferior. When you have a voice, it is never wrong to fight to be heard. I've also learned that grace and humility can get you much further than yelling. And that when you have a bad day, sometimes you just have to let it go and try again later. And that life is never so bad that you can't smile.


Watching Savannah has also shown me so much. She has shown me that encouragement can really lift a heart. She has shown me that no matter how different, everyone needs a best friend. She's shown loyalty and helped me laugh amid the tears. Like when we were at the mall and some stranger was staring at Brooklyn's feeding tube, and Savannah snorted, "Why is he looking at us like that?" I replied that it was probably because Brookie had a tube in her nose and she sighed and replied, "That is how she eats. Anyway, he has glasses!" She's shown me that sometimes you just have to laugh and ignore the ignorance of others. I don't know what I'd do without that sweet, funny girl.


As the year has drawn to a close, and a new one has begun, I am tired. And I am overwhelmed. And I feel like I don't have any of the answers. But this I do know... I have been blessed beyond measure. And at the end of the day, when I get to tuck in a preschooler with a storybook and find the tag on her blankie and listen to her pray for ridiculous things like that her hair will start to grow pink... and then I get to rock her sister to sleep as she clutches onto my shirt and then settle her in her crib and kiss her sweet cheeks... this is what I know...


I wouldn't change a thing.


Happy New Year. I hope 2012 finds you every bit as blessed.