There has been a rant coming on,
ya'll. I can't decide if the world has always been filled with so many ignorant people, or if this is a new epidemic. But having a special-needs child has allowed me to view the world in a new light, and sweet mercy, that light has exposed a
truckload of ignorance. And that ignorance brings out what my mom always called the "Momma Bear Instinct."
I might be really really nice, but mess with my cub, and you'll meet Momma Bear.So I present... 10 things you really shouldn't say to the parent of a special-needs child.
1.
She looks so normal. How do you want me to reply to that? I've toyed with responses...
thank you? You should've seen her yesterday? Oh, you look normal today too. The reality of it is... a special-needs child may not fall into our realm of normal as far as meeting milestones, but she is quite extraordinary. And she doesn't have to look abnormal (whatever that is) to make our struggles real. You'd probably be surprised how many "normal" looking people have major things going on inside.
2.
Don't worry, she'll catch up. Did you go to medical school? Because we see multiple therapists and doctors, and they quite frankly aren't sure if she'll ever "catch up." And, if by some miracle she does catch up, it will be the result of countless hours of prayer and therapy, not because she just got lucky, so please don't discount that.
3.
Are you sure she isn't just ignoring you? Yes, I'm sure when my child doesn't respond to me she isn't ignoring me. She can't understand the language I speak most of the time. Do you know what it is like to be in a foreign country and not understand the people around you? That is how my child feels
every. single. day. And I've never met an 18-month-old that could keep up a charade for their entire life... that would be some serious talent. Sometimes I feel like the mom on Mr. Holland's Opus... wanting to scream that I just want to speak to my child. Your child might be ignoring you, but my child does not have the ability to understand me.
4.
Any statement that starts with, "Well my child can't even do...". People feel compelled to insist that my child must be doing great with her one accomplishment because their normal child can't even do that. It makes me want to shake them. And one day I might. Because for every one thing that my child can do that theirs can't.... there are 100 things their child can do that mine can't. And every accomplishment in this house is fought for... prayed for... paid for... cried for... begged for...and cheered for. Please don't act like we got lucky because your child can't even do that.
5.
I'm sorry. I appreciate this sentiment more than the others, probably, but I don't need pity, and neither does my sweet child. She has to work harder than other children, and we have more to deal with than typical parents, but parenting is a big job no matter how you slice it... and we all have challenges. But please continue to treat me like your friend, and don't feel sorry for me every time you see me.
6.
Your kid rules the house and might just need a spanking. Actually, my child doesn't have the capacity to understand a spanking, and so if I spanked her, she would look at me like why did you just smack me? And I personally cannot handle that. I'd rather repeat the words "sit down" 1000 times while people stare than have my child think I hit her for no apparent reason. And we do adapt our lives to help her, so maybe she rules the house. Wouldn't you do anything you could to help your child too, especially if they didn't understand the world they live in?
7.
I know exactly what you are going through. Chances are, unless you also have a special-needs child, you don't. And having a kid that has been sick for a week or two doesn't qualify you either. Because part of the enormity of the job of raising a special-needs child is that its a job that never ends. Its hard now, and it will be hard forever, and you can't possibly understand the weight of that until you've carried it. You have NO idea what its like to wake up and think... is it PT or Speech today? Or to actually know your way around the hospital, and have the phone number of the hospital operator memorized. Or to have a button installed in your house that will call the ambulance by pushing it. Need I go on?
8.
I didn't invite you because I figured you were too busy with all that you have going on. I don't know how you do what you do. My life is hectic and crazy, but it won't change anytime soon, and I'd really like to still be invited to go shopping or attend a
playdate. I don't know how I do what I do either, but if you were in my shoes, and did all that stuff, you'd need to go out and buy cute shoes even more. So please still invite us...we might move slower, but we aren't
contagious!
9.
Do you have any other children? I'm not even sure what this implies, but yes, I do, and she is "normal" if that is what you are wondering. Will that be all?
10.
Do you agree with the doctors, because doctors get it wrong all of the time. Yes, I do. And I wouldn't drive over 700 miles to a specialty hospital every three months if I didn't agree. Or give up two hours of each week for therapy. Or spend countless hours looking into resources and reading about treatment plans.
Now, because my own mother has taught me to always be positive, I also present 10 things you should say to parents of a special-needs child:
1. I made two casseroles for dinner today. What time can I bring one by for your family?
2. I don't know what to say, but I love you and your precious child.
3. Sounds like you are doing a great job.
4. You encourage me.
5. I know your child had an appointment today, how did it go?
6. How are you doing? (And really listen to the answer.)
7. Lets have a
playdate. What works best for you guys?
8. Drop your other children off here on your way to the next doctor appointment.
9. Those people over there must think your child is gorgeous because they can't stop staring! (Or any other comment to stop the staring. I saw a funny t-shirt that says, "If you stare long enough, you'll see me do a trick.") We deal with the staring all of the time, and its nice when someone else has our back.
10. I'm praying for you guys.
Please, please be sensitive to those around you with special-needs children. They don't want your sympathy, but a little sensitivity never hurt anyone. A little insensitivity, on the other hand, can cause a world of damage. And maybe even a blog rant. ;)
