On Swollen Feet and Birth "Plans"

Whenever you get near the end of a pregnancy, there is talk about a birth plan.

With Savannah, I researched and read about them.  I had it typed out and took it to my doctor well in advance to discuss.  I printed out copies for my husband, the nurse, and the doctor.  Not that much went according to plan anyway when she was turned face up and it took me a day and a half to have her... which was not in the plan. 

With Brooklyn, I had a birth plan, but it kind of went out the window when she decided to make her appearance early.  I didn't even have a bag packed. 

So people have been asking me if I have a birth plan with Harper.  

And I have to chuckle a little.

Because clearly, planning has gone so well for me in the past.

But the thing about it is... I am miserable.  

My feet look like this.

And I am at such a low point in the fashion world that I now wear terry-cloth padded flip-flop slippers around the house.

[At least they are pink.]

So I guess I should come up with a birth plan.

So if I did that...for the third child...

Here is what it would look like.

I would like an epidural.  Preferably now, at 32 weeks.  

Because pretty much everything below my boobs already hurts, all of the time.

My ribs are burning, I get out of breath carrying in groceries, my feet swell, and I have to pee 14 times per day.  And lets not forget the heartburn.  So please, give me an epidural, and the sooner the better.

Who do I want with me?  My husband, at least at the moment.  

However, he does have a history of sleeping through the labor process and waking up for the birth.

And today he made the comment that, "It is sad that as big as you are, my waist is still bigger."

So we shall see.  

Besides, I already know that the delivery room is filled with approximately 10 strangers, so hey, what is the point in me specifying who can be present?

Do I want a mirror?  

Hahaha.

No.

I haven't wanted a mirror for about 5 months, nor do I want one now.

I do not care what position I am in, so long as the baby gets out.

Preferably quickly, with the least amount of pain.

Afterward, I would like to sleep. 

Please don't check my vitals every 3 minutes or wake me up to ask me what my pain is on a scale of 1-10.

If I can manage to sleep, it must not be too bad.

I will press the button if I need you.

And I know my way around the hospital really well, unfortunately. 

Other things that are on the NO list:

Grabby lactation consultants 

Visitors that immediately ask if we are done or if there will be another baby

People who discuss post baby weight loss

Nurses who will repeat what I say while under the influence of contractions

Anyone with flowers, cupcakes, or pasta is welcome.

Bottom line:  Get the baby out, minimize the pain, keep us both healthy, and everyone will be happy.

The end.