There are days that I feel disconnected from the life that I used to live. Which is somewhat understandable, after all, because so much has changed. There are moments in life that once you live through them, they change who you are. In some ways, that is a good thing. Growing, changing, learning... those are all good things. But as human beings, we don't like change. We try to avoid it. It scares us. And so we learn to think of changes as bad things.
Sometimes I wonder if I've changed for the good or the bad.
There are things that I think are good. I am stronger than I've ever been. I have done so much more than I ever imagined possible. I've seen God give me strength when I thought I'd never be able to go on. I've met wonderful people who have taught me so much about life. I have a new perspective. I'm a fighter.
There are other changes that I consider not-so-good. I am often an insomniac. I've experienced panic attacks. I've had to let go of several friendships. I often feel cynical, because sometimes being in constant survival mode makes you want to strangle everyone who isn't. I'm paranoid.
Sometimes I wonder if I met myself five years from now... would I know me? Or am I changing so fast that I wouldn't even recognize myself? Are our circumstances supposed to change us that much?
When I think about the things that used to be important to me, they seem so trivial now. At the time, they were all very valid concerns. But the things that weigh on my mind now are of an entirely different level. I feel like a completely different person.
I've always felt like a very expressive person. I like to state how I feel, and people that don't kind of drive me crazy. What you see is what you get. If I seem to like you, that means I think we are friends. And you don't have to guess or play games. If I don't like you, I'm fairly straightforward about that too. (If you'd like examples, just ask the doctors on the peds floor of the hospital...they know where they stand on my list.) The girl that was wide open... that was me.
And then. I started to change. The first time I realized it was after we'd been through so many things... and I was trying to process them... and figure out how I felt... and I realized... I didn't feel anything. Numb. I think at a certain point, you get so far beyond pain that you just stop feeling. Maybe its an automatic survival mechanism that kicks in... like your heart knows you can only take so much, so it has an emergency shut-off valve. The next thing I noticed was a tendency to withdraw, which is completely weird for me. I found myself thinking that just getting through the everyday stuff took so much energy that I didn't have the energy for extra things. Or that just having a normal conversation took effort. I mean, I don't know what is at the mall. Or what happened on the news. And my DVR is so backed up that I'm running out of space and deleting episodes of Olivia when my kids aren't looking so that I can make sure that Scandal records. I can't tell you who is on American Idol. And thinking about all of that stuff just makes me tired. As does smiling, nodding, and saying we are fine... when we are just trying to make it a week without an ER visit... and there is no end in sight.
And then I realized that life is moving on without me. Events come and go, and I'm in a hospital room or at home waiting on a home health visit, or driving to one appointment or another. And before you know it... life doesn't even look the same as it used to... and you're too far away to find your way back... and you aren't even sure you want to sometimes... but other times you feel like shouting, "Hey! Don't forget me! I'm still here!"
I wonder if that is the way it is supposed to be or if I took a wrong turn somewhere. I wonder if I have grown so concerned with saving my child that I lost myself. Or maybe that self was okay to lose... and the whole idea was to become a more compassionate, knowledgeable, stronger self. Shocker, I know, but I really don't have the answers. Just lots of questions. And the need for some melatonin.
No comments:
Post a Comment