For real.

What does it mean to be real?  And why is it so hard?

I've never liked pretenders.  I think the skeptic in me sees them and thinks... 

Okay but what are you really thinking?

We've had quite a bumpy road with Brooklyn, and if you keep up with my blog, that comes as no surprise to you.  My prayer throughout this whole adventure has been that I would stay real. 

I think as a Christian we try sometimes to find a very delicate balance between saying, "I trust God and He is always good so everything is happy all of the time and I have absolutely no reason to be sad" and "I'm really sad but I can't tell anyone because then they will think I don't have faith in God."  I don't want to fall into either of those categories.  I want to be real. 

Do those who claim the name of Christ go through hard times?  Absolutely.  Do they get sad?  You bet.  Is it wrong to be sad?  Heck no.  I'm always encouraged by the story of Jesus and Lazarus.  Lazarus was a dear friend of Jesus who died.  Jesus went to his grave at the urging of his sisters, and He wept.  The scriptures don't say that He shed a few tears... He wept.  The word wept conjures up images of heartbreak.  Or if you are like me, splotchy skin and a really ugly crying face.  The interesting thing to me is that Christ knew His father.  Intimately.  And He trusted Him.  Implicitly.  Yet He wept.

Later, when it came time for Jesus to carry out His purpose in being on earth and the time drew near for him to endure great suffering for us, He was not happy.  He was in anguish.  The accounts say that in His agony, his sweat poured out like blood.  He begged God to change His mind.  And then when He didn't, Jesus submitted to God's will.  He wasn't excited... happy... joyful...nor do I believe He had a smile plastered to His face.  But He chose to walk that road without kicking and screaming.

It is almost comical to me sometimes that we even try to pretend for God.  We thank Him for things that we really aren't thankful for.  We tell Him that He is good when we don't really believe it.  A friend of mine in high school told me once that I didn't have to pretend with God and that I had permission to tell God that I didn't understand.  I remember looking at him wide-eyed and thinking... that would be so disrespectful.  He went on to explain to me that if you read the Psalms, David asks questions of God and asks Him to change His mind repeatedly.  He asks why.  And he was a man after God's own heart.  I remember him saying, "Besides... don't you think God already knows how you really feel?"

I want to be real.  I want to be transparent.
I want to be able to say... this is so hard.  

But then I want to convey that even when I don't see the evidence, I know in my heart that God is indeed good.  And that doesn't mean I'm happy about my circumstances or that I want to go skipping through a meadow rejoicing.  But because I trust in His goodness, I am willing to walk the long road.  I am willing to do the hard things.  Because I know that God loves me.  Deeply.  And that if He allowed something to pass through His hands to me, it was for my good.  And He is changing me. 
Which is, in a way, a reason to rejoice. 
Because He loves me too much to leave me as I am.  

Hallelujah.